soleilfae: Bright (Brighde)
I think the desire to hide one's head in a hole comes into play when you want something that is just smooth and easy. Hiding can briefly be smooth and easy.

I feel like right now no matter where I go, or who I turn to, there's going to be something hard about it. At one cross road if I go into one direction I feel like I can never do anything right, the next I'm being constantly asked to change who I am.

I'm tired and just want to take a breather. I care about both directions however so I will continue to truck on.

It would be nice to have someone easy to go to when I need to talk... but even that doesn't seem really possible. Relationships are complicated no matter what flavor they come in.
soleilfae: Bright (Brighde)
Thankfully just my shoulders are a little burnt.

FSG...
it's a bit of a ramble )
soleilfae: (feeling)
So I tend to naturally stop eating less in warm weather... especially at the beginning of the season when my bodies first getting used to exhaustingly hot days. Working in a/c has helped to keep some of my appetite there, but even that's a bit of a struggle.

This is all when things are normal. Right now I'm also doing a lot of thinking, dealing with things, and again confronted with the need to find a job. Today I worked, went to the doctor to clear up a trenton matter, got turned away at the post office in trying to get my passport, did some shopping for fsg, and have just in general been very thoughtful... I had breakfast. I even forced myself to eat all of what I prepared even though I didn't want to about half way in. Then I had 2 1/2 almonds around 2ish.

After a long feverish nap (because that's what you get in a house with no a/c on a hot hot day) I'm finally awake and actually feeling hungry. It's still hot enough that if all I had was water I would be fine to go to sleep for the night.

I think if I can figure out how to clear up all the thoughts in my head I'll get back to base... maybe fsg will help with that.
soleilfae: (feeling)
It's now the day after my last day with my class...

I slept in this morning without even hearing my alarm clock go off. That feels weird and hasn't happened since before I started this job.

Overall I feel so many things, it feels like memories and feelings are all getting smushed into one singular time and place so that really time makes no difference. Time has no meaning for brief moments. I remember and feel how it felt to see this date looming only a couple weeks ago. I remember and feel how it felt to first start that job.. how it felt to have certain conflicts and obstacles. It really doesn't help anything that it feels as if time has just been slipping through my fingers...

Now my kids are with someone else. They are doing school photos today and they are getting their class picture with someone who was only with them for two months before now. And I know for those in the school who knew her I was always taking her place... but in my shoes, it feels as if right now someone else is in my room, in my place, having lunch with my teacher friends, and teaching my kids. I feel so torn up about this.

I realize a couple of things... It was my first real assignment and it was a long one so of course I'm attached. These people and places are special to me now and, possibly foolishly, I would love to have a permanent position there. I also realize that it really wasn't an ideal situation and likely if I were to get a permanent position there people's personalities would become more pronounced towards me in some good and some more likely bad ways than I'm prepared for. And I could really do so much better job wise.. I was basically working a slave rate for NB.... I discovered recently that other people actually got contracts and benefits with their temp long-term positions and I only got a little extra pay and lots of very long days and nights.

I would do it over again without changing a thing. (ok, well I probably would have handled this one teacher differently but that's from another post)

I'm taking a day for my health and sanity mostly. I love those kids, but caring for kids, who a great number have a lot of issues, can be very stressful. I'm sure it's stressful even when they don't, but I think I would scare people I care about if I expressed some of the physical symptoms I would feel on a regular basis. Tomorrow I'll work a half day with kindergarteners.. Yay! I'm looking forward to that. Today I slept in some (weird!), and will put in some applications and drive around looking for rent signs to call. I already have one to call from walking around last night.

Busy lives in busy days filled with busy thoughts... I also plan to take a moment for myself and escape the busy, even if it's brief.
soleilfae: Tiny frog on the tip of a finger (lil' frog)
I almost forgot about this!

Friday after I told the kids that my last day would be the next Wednesday one of the boys in my classroom asked if he could friend me on facebook.....


heh.

Here's the test to see if I hid my account well enough from outside sources. I might need to tighten it down some more.
soleilfae: (huh)
You can know a lot about me...

You can know that I'm a total science and math lover. You can know that I know and have a great love for some of the all time geek classics, i.e., Star Wars and Star Trek. You can feel that we have similar interests and have passions for similar things, but these things do not constitute you knowing me. All this means is you know about me.

Until you know me spiritually, have seen me at my worst, and have gotten to know my friends and the relationships that I hold you do not know me.

And even then... You are definitely closer. I will say that those who have seen me in these situations and know the things that I love know me, but truly we are still discovering who we are on a daily basis as a species. How can we expect someone outside of our head to really know us.

Little thought based on a sweet man's assumption that he knows me.
soleilfae: (No f'ing way)
The gods are quirky and awesome...


I found out late into the process that my job would be extended and then I realized that this would interfere with steampunk. I am stage managing the outside stage for the event and there was a lot of "oh no's! but you knew this this and this!" I honestly was never too worried, but I know I would have busted my balls trying to make up for the lateness.

Wednesday... yes, this wednesday... I find out that interim grades are due Saturday... yes, tomorrow. So I basically found out I have two days to do all of my interim grades (b/c testing just got done and I had nothing really graded yet) with the fact that steampunk starts today and I would be all ball busting to make up for the fact that I refuse to leave the job that pays me and I enjoy doing and hope to get a permanent position in... mouth full.

Anyhoo.. so I've been busting apparently another set of balls to get enough grades in to make up a decent interim grade. Got a good chunk done, but I needed math.. so I stuck around the house a little longer to do that... I get a call from a performer asking about an alleged canceled outside stage. I freak thinking it had something to do with me (there's a little bit of craziness happening everywhere) and so I call to find out that no, it was canceled due to a tornado warning....


Hahahahaha!


I love the gods.

So now I grade a little more and go tonight to pitter around and help a little. Tomorrow will be more running around in my official position, but that will be tomorrow. A day with more rest and focus for me ^_^

Did I mention it looks pretty damn good outside?
soleilfae: Woman of fire (Default)
In a very thoughtful state of mind.

Part of me is not interested in experiencing the harsh grounding of the real world tomorrow... part of me is curious to see how things will balance out.

I say real world, but truly part of my mind is floating in real world concerns.. but I suppose they are so far off and distant that they might as well not be.

Change is happening, progress is looming, and my soul feels it. Every part of my being is preparing and finding it unwanting to juggle the concerns of daily life.

It is a momentary thought, but one I find myself in quite often throughout my life. I like to delve down deep into myself... twiddling through the webs of my mind... finding so many fascinating mysteries and potentials that I get lost and find it hard to want to return. I do return. Things get done, as they should. I've also found I can be rather good at this. Not always happy with it, but I do know that I'm not happy in the extreme of always existing within myself. Would be nice though to have a few more days and hours of discourse with peers and my teacher on the subjects. As it is with their schedule and mine I hope to get even a few meaningful minutes.

This summer. Time will be made this summer... hopefully :)
soleilfae: Woman of fire (Default)
Tackled the horrific DMV today. Renewed license obtained!

Joined a gym yesterday. One of those 10 bucks a month deals and I can quit anytime before the 17th of the month and won't have to pay the next month's fee (rutgers would have been over 355 a year.... no!). Basic, no frills, I go in and work out and leave. Today I tried it for the first time. I always feel awkward in a gym. I feel like everyone is looking at me watching as I wonder around looking like a complete noob and I know this isn't totally true... Still awkward.

The workout felt really good, I seriously needed it, and it added to my feeling of accomplishment for the day. Woot!

I'll probably go back Thursday? (lets see how that goes)

::oh dear is it really just Tuesday =(::

Other things accomplished for today... possibly dates, dentists, recommendation letters.... Many of these may not be finalized the way I hope, but at least there was progress and this makes me ever so very happy.

Next Goals:
-dentistry awesomeness
-application packet to HP
-confirm some dates
-do an awesome jig at some point (my pov of awesome btw)
-read more books!
-work on ritual awesomesauce
-work on divination sparkly








P.S. awesome jig achieved XD
soleilfae: Tiny frog on the tip of a finger (lil' frog)
I find myself saying this a lot in class..

"There is no talking!"

And following that in my head..

"There is only Zuul!"

Wow, does this make me smile on the inside! Of course this is never said aloud only really because I know it would be totally lost on them. But I love how much my dorkdom makes me smile and laugh throughout the day.
soleilfae: Tiny frog on the tip of a finger (lil' frog)
Random declaration by one of my students...

"Miss C I have $2.35!"

And in my head, "Hail Eris!"
soleilfae: (Bunny girl)
Contemplating a gym membership.

Had a great weekend. One of my favorite things in that weekend involved wrestling boys on a mat... yeah, awesome! But I have discovered that the result of my enjoyment is lots and lots of pain everytime I move a muscle in my body. I'm so sore it went from funny, to so not funny, right back to funny again.

So I'm thinking it might be a good idea to get into better shape so the next time I want to have fun it won't involve so much recovery. Also, I felt pretty damn good today stress wise considering how much I hurt.

And yes, in theory I could do things at home, but it always seems to turn out like working at home for me. It will happen sometimes, but I really have to push myself most times if it's gonna happen. Plus, I don't have the equipment that would facilitate the kind of workouts I need (I likes things that help me do carb and don't kill my joints and bones).

But, now my problem is... is it worth it? Are the things I can afford worth going to? Should I just work on doing what I can until I can afford a better location?

Sometimes I dislike money.
soleilfae: (Tease)
I feel like that girl that walked into band class smiling wide, showing lots and lots of teeth, and it was her first day with braces.

I walked in right in the middle of class because I had to have a bracket fixed that morning. Everyone was looking at me and I totally didn't think about the braces, I just went straight to what I always do, smile hugely.

Woot! I'm 30 and I'm smiling large. I'm hoping that my 30's are as good or even better than I feel about them right now.
soleilfae: (huh)
It's weird putting salt back into my diet. I've been avoiding/reducing salt in my diet since I was in high school being all "bad" for you and what not.

Food tastes better without it imo. Though I prefer the taste of food over the taste of salt.

Recently I've come to realize that I might actually need some of that iodine that boring old table salt provides, because really... I don't eat a lot of processed foods and the only salt I add to my food (if I add any) is sea salt. Not much iodine involved there. Due to the fact that I would really like to not add yet another supplement to my diet if I can get it easily somewhere else I've started using boring old iodized table salt again.

Still not a fan of it, but I try not to use a huge amount. Though every now and then (for instance this evening) I put a little too much in something and it makes me cringe. I take this as a positive and keep going on. I'd really like not to lose my ability to appreciate foods without salt.
soleilfae: Tiny frog on the tip of a finger (lil' frog)
Sun is good.

Really good.

So is practicing poi on a pretty day. I think I'm doing pretty good on the tricks that I know, but I don't feel like I know a lot of tricks or do enough with them. That and my transitions are crappy, imo. It's still fun.

So...

Apr. 24th, 2011 01:07 am
soleilfae: (Getting older)
My birthday is coming up.

Yep.. I'm turning 30.

Popular culture makes us think that we should dread this birthday, especially women. There should be lies about our age and great shame especially if you don't have a family or a steady job yet (...yeah, nope don't see anyone like that around here ::as she looks around not having kids or a permanent job yet).

Me?

I'm so looking forward to this birthday. I'm not even fully aware of all the reasons why. I know it feels like a good thing. I know astrologically it is a super shiny thing. Past those reasons I really don't know. In my past birthdays were typically surrounded by negative. Family surgeries, problems with loved ones, and generally just bad days. Celebrations for these days haven't been many since elementary.

Part of me wants to celebrate this day and have a great princess day. Part of me is terrified and just waiting for my world to cave in, even if just for a moment.

I'm ok with being 30 and I'm ok with not having children at this moment (though I do want children), in fact, I want to celebrate my age. I suppose I'm just worrying about the little things ,and hoping and praying they aren't in actuality big things. Truly I think as the day comes and goes I'll simply be relieved. It just feels like there's so much pent up energy right now that's waiting for that 'big' event... maybe I'm just really silly.
soleilfae: Tiny frog on the tip of a finger (lil' frog)
Oh Sudafed how I love you so. And how you so make me loopy when I take the 12 hour formula.

XD
soleilfae: Woman of fire (Default)
This weekend was good. I felt really productive and things were achieved, not just in the process of being achieved. I also got to see people and hang with people without the stress of school happening within a day or so.


This morning was relatively peaceful and smooth, though upon waking I was met with some news I'm still not sure about... actually a little uneasy about. But for the most part it didn't affect a huge part of my morning.

Then the car stuff started exploding and my dad was unreachable. The man who I somewhat depend on car knowledge wise and financially when it comes to big explosions of car stuff. The man who is also notoriously unreliable in all situations (I was gonna make an exception with computery type stuff, but really even there if it's not his way he's completely unreliable), but contact was eventually made and things seemed to be working out. My car brakes so smoothly now it's great!

I like my car guys.

I was going to go to the doctor today, but I can't deal with more stress. There's already possible stress looming and my poor heart just doesn't want to take it. So I'll go later in the week. The rest of today will be devoted to grading and tracking down people. I'm realizing that I crave people right now. I need their touch, their thoughts, their presence. I have to admit that that is sort of a select list of crave. I've decided I'm not leaving the house for the rest of the day unless necessary, but phone calls will work in the absence of convenient proximity.

At least today has so far been productive. I'm hoping to regain some of the stress free feeling I had over the weekend.
soleilfae: Woman of fire (Fwooooosh)
This was emailed to me by a friend. Thought it was pretty intriguing. A lot of it I've heard for years from my very favorite crazy radio guy, Gary Null.

Highly recommend the read.

Edit: This appears to be a hoax email, aka not from Johns Hopkins. Honestly not surprised, but I still recommend the read. Suggestions in here on daily living I think are pretty sound and realizing that there are alternatives to poison and radiation in fighting cancer is, imo, a good thing. Don't read if you don't want to :)

Friend's email )

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soleilfae: Woman of fire (Default)
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July 2012

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