soleilfae: (huh)
This is actually to gush about how much I'm loving my tarot cards (still just a baby in learning tarot). But first, a little back story...

So, I'm being kidnapped to Sirius Rising. This is in no way me kicking or screaming about this, I'm rather looking forward to it, but I'm being whisked off after the wedding of a friend to Niagara Falls, then to Sirius, then down to VA for Busch Gardens. It's going to be an adventure and I very much appreciate J&J for this opportunity (though this was most certainly Julie's master plan).

I've been wanting to talk to my cards for a while and I just have gotten crazy busy or forgetful or exhausted and said I would do it later.... So this is later.

First question: (sorta paraphrased but the important words are highlighted) What do I *want* from Sirius Rising? I recognized my word fumble really before I finished shuffling, but felt like it was good to go with. And so I pulled... 10 of Pentacles. Going with my books meaning this tells me I want fullness of life and blessings of the Goddess. Well, yeah, I'm always looking for this, but I love when my cards tell me something I already know (does this make me weird?).

Second question: What will I *find* at Sirius Rising? I pulled seven of wands and the death card. Again with my book, inner struggle (but apparently what I take as in a good and exciting sort of way) and transformation. This makes perfect sense of the sort of thing I will *find* at Sirius, but then I realized my other word fumble, as I was writing this journal... This is likely what many will find at Sirius.

Third question: What will I *get* at Sirius Rising? Ace of Wands. The birth of a new idea, enthusiasm, creative energy, vitality, intuition... Alright, this sounds very much more of a five-ish day thing.

Really, I'm sure all of these will be involved in my five-ish days there, but the first two feel like things that are larger processes for me than just a few days out in the woods and the third feels like it's an actual concrete thing that will take place within those days... Then again, I've been hit with that rock before and it will likely happen many more times, just not sure if it'll happen at this event.

Point is, I love my cards ^_^
soleilfae: Bright (Brighde)
I'm tired of feeling so alone when I have so much love in my life. So many people I care about are so spread apart and far away and the people that I love that are within arms distance are far away in other ways.

Is it crazy that I miss people whether they are upstairs or several states over?

Something is coming. Some change, some shift is on the horizon. It's like the Nothing in the Never Ending Story, clouds boiling up at the edge of seeing, but this is Something. Its coming, it will happen, but I have no idea what or what direction I'll be thrown (figuratively or literally). There are strong feelings rumbling within me, but there's this disconnect to the world that makes me feel like I can't see what direction its coming from, though this may not matter. In the past I would have been able to see it, but it always held a point of great denial for me so it rarely made much of difference. Now I'm open, scared as hell, but I can't see a direction.

Maybe this something will simply come from within... Maybe my whole world will change... Maybe there will only be a shift...

I just don't know and the intense feelings within me are driving me nuts.

What if I end up back in AL?! That's not in any way what I want or where I want to be at the moment. (I stopped making proclamations for long periods of time a few years back when I actually did end up living in NJ and liking it) What if I end up somewhere new? Why would this happen? What if the change simply came from within?

Something has already shifted within me, but articulation of such things has often been an either slow point or a failed point for me. I think, I feel, and words often lack the ability to express this in its full truth.

I know things will come when they need to come. I know that the Gods have a path and I will be nudged down it. In the end it'll be for good. I suppose I need more faith in these things. I'm used to getting a little more notice than this and it's making my life a little more frustrating.

I feel like crying, but it just won't come.
soleilfae: (No f'ing way)
Ok, I'm going to start off with stating that I'm deep in NRE and in-love at the moment, so when I started on my way to the DC area and my check engine light was on... Well, I didn't stop.

But! I listened to my car. Nothing seemed wrong or out of place. I've been in plenty of situations where I have either heard my own car or another's car go terribly wrong that I can usually tell if I can expect to spend large quantities of money on my car. I figured that it was probably just a misfire in the plugs and likely I just needed a tune-up.

Of course despite all my best reasoning there was still this nagging voice of... maybe x and then sh!t!

So I said a prayer or so to Asphaltia and continued on my way (by train or bus if necessary I was getting down there).

On my way back (yes, the light was still on) I stopped to grab gas in a location where I actually had to pump my own gas. Living in NJ is weird... I want to say sometimes but I think that's understating things to a ridiculous degree. Regardless I know my car. I even know the quirks in the gas cap and its door. My gas cap used to have a plastic bit that attached it to my car. This plastic bit has been broken for years and sadly beyond repair. And the door over the gas cap has not closed right in something like a year or so. There's something bent in the metal bits so that when you close it you have to kinda push it closed and then it usually pops back up but just slightly. These are facts of my car. Features that make my car my car...

I get out to pump gas and, well, the gas cap was attached to my car and the door opened and closed without a problem...

I seriously took a split where I wasn't sure this was my car. I don't care if it does have all my crap in it! Next thing you know the bumpers will fix themselves and scratches will disappear! (please?)

This just outright weirded me out so I was a little wary about my car when I left the station. It did feel a little different then the majority of the time I had driven it that weekend. I was then all like, "aw damn... what next..." I look down to look at my check engine light (like I did constantly while driving) and miraculously it was gone! So all I really needed to do was make sure the gas cap was on well enough (the other thing about Jersey is I find a lot of attendants I end up with don't always do a good job of putting the cap back on). Or maybe someone for some reason replaced my cap and fixed the door just forgetting to secure the gas cap well enough? Really this whole series of events is somewhat ridiculous and in some part incredible, but frak it!

Hail Asphaltia!!
soleilfae: (feeling)
This made me sob. Like I haven't in so long. Reasons may be obvious, maybe not, but they are my own.

soleilfae: Bright (Brighde)
My evening has been rather stressful, so I want to try to hold onto and celebrate this moment...

I was leaving the school today, heading to my car, when I saw some kids rolling down the hill in the wooden structures that usually go around trash cans around there. I recognized one of the kids there as a sister of a boy I had in my class last year... I just knew he would be there a part of it.

Sure enough he was one of the boys crawling out of the wooden structures. I called to him, which inspired his sister to run my way, and him to run in circles directly following an eepish sound (he is what I consider the poster child for ADHD). Eventually he made his way to me along with the other boys who were participating in rolling down the hill.

I told them that it would be really bad for them if someone caught them and they got into big trouble. Their response was to say "aren't you somebody?" I replied by saying sure, but I was more interested in them stopping then getting them into trouble. This was followed by questions about where I was working and talk about wanting to be in a position to teach maybe one of them one day. They asked if I could teach fifth grade (aka. they want me to be their teacher.. hot! I don't think they realize how much of a hardass I can be ^_^).

They agreed to stop rolling down the hill and before I left I asked if they could fix the trash cans, regardless of the fact that they claimed to not be the ones to dismantle them. And they did it!

They did it!

This is a school where a lot of the teachers *were* just ignoring these kids and driving off to home. Where it's expected to find graffiti and trash all over the place. Respect for the school really doesn't happen. This is the school with the worst reputation deep in the middle of the ghetto. And these kids put these trash cans back together. I didn't even have to stand there watching over them.

That had me flying for a bit and if I think about it or talk about it I find I start flying again. Right now I need that.. I hope it stays strong enough to recall in times of need.

That moment shines.
soleilfae: (feeling)
Thousands of little cuts....

I shouldn't let them cut me but they do.
soleilfae: (huh)
Cold has hit and my hands are responding by being in excruciating pain.

I have theories why they do this. Nothing has been confirmed. Currently they are getting overly dry, cracking, and then burning like the pits of hell when I put any moisturizer on them. I mean I use good stuff, simple stuff, any stuff. It hurts as if I have a burning rash sort of thing... not "i just put something into a cut and it stings." Parts with no cuts burn and I don't know what to do.

One of my theories is a possible thyroid problem. Truthfully I've been lax on my diet so maybe this is just telling to stop making excuses and stop eating the sugar. And do better with the whole eating things for my metabolisms sake.


This has been a weird day in general.

First I hear that the Simpsons are being cancelled.... isn't that show very nearly my age?! Ok, 24ish. close enough.

There was this thing with a Fox news station carrying a positive story about liberals and money and NPR not having a peep on their website, but then...

Then I found out Steve Jobs passed away...

RIP Steve Jobs

Some things seem so static in our lives that when they change or go away it can be very disorienting. I think this is a good example of one of those days.


Sep. 25th, 2011 12:57 am
soleilfae: (feeling)
I posted about getting a long-term position. Welp. It would seem that that is not where I need to be.

Thursday evening 2/3's of my position was cancelled. There was no warning and I swear it felt like the bottom was pulled straight out from me. I figured it had something to do with the simple fact that my certification does not cover preschool and I came to find out Friday that I was right.

On the plus side the Principal also said that he liked me as a teacher and wanted to make a place for me there. That was definitely comforting, but I know that the universe doesn't always make things like that work so I will take this as a confidence boost for my teaching skills and maybe someone will agree with him. Maybe I'll end up there...

Who knows.

I am a bit down by it and have noticed a marked difference in my energy levels. I personally want to spend more time at the sea. I think there will be more late night trips. Hopefully some mid week trips right after school too. The beach and the ocean help me think. I need to do a lot of thinking right now.
soleilfae: (feeling)
Sometimes it feels like my heart is a stranger or estranged to me and I'm having to re/learn everything about it.

--Sentiment realized in conversation that I just haven't been able to put into words until now. This realization means so much to me.
soleilfae: (Girl on a trike)
Health Center Lady-"I'm sorry you make too little to qualify for this and have too much in your savings account to qualify for that."

Me- "Oh! Let me go pay a bill and fix that."

----My pride hates dealing with the fact that I have to go through this to get medical assistance... but my hate of bureaucracy out weighs my pride by quite a bit. Either way this has not been a pleasant process.
soleilfae: (feeling)
I worry.

I do so partly b/c I feel when I stop worrying about something that that's when a real problem arises.

Right now I'm worried about my heart on my different levels. Part of this requires thought, part of this requires talking, and part of this requires a doctor. Two out of three I can do... it'll be mentally and emotionally draining, but it's doable. The other I can't do at the moment.

So I worry.

Strangely some of these levels would likely be helped with a job and some would likely troubled by it. I don't think these are all necessarily separate levels either. (Last year I freaked out a little on a couple of days when stress was high and I had to scream a lot. Big reason I got a gym membership)


Aug. 23rd, 2011 03:19 pm
soleilfae: (No f'ing way)
So that was my first earthquake... well that I was somewhat aware of.


Anyhoo. I was at the gym on a weight machine. I was taking a break between reps when I realized that the machine was doing a little shimmy on its own... I immediately looked at the floor and wondered if it were an earthquake (Had an interesting way of briefly pulling my consciousness into the earth and it's many workings and movings...). Looked up. Realized I was right under the tv's... that would suck if it were bad enough to cause those to fall.

I figured I would check news when I got home, but I just rationalized it to maybe heavier than usual traffic for that moment (it was really a super light shimmy).

Still wow!
soleilfae: (feeling)
I'm having a particularly down day.

It started off missing someone I recently let go of. I found it incredibly hard getting out of bed. It's moved on to I'm worried about minor health issues. I'm thinking about my job status....

Heck, logistics are making me sad... well, at least the thought process from other parties.

I either want to cry or have been crying and I really think it's just one of those things I'll have to get through. Something that can't be fixed. Hopefully it won't last long. Getting out and doing something will help and there are plenty of things to do today.
soleilfae: (Girl on a trike)
I think the hospital job (namely the supervisor from hell who hates me) has figured out how to get me to quit.

Just wish I did it like in May when I thought of it. In May when I spent so much money and hassle to renew my CDL.

I think a good part of the reason I've held on to this job so long was to spite her cuz I know she'd love me to leave. So I don't mind leaving, I'd just prefer it not be because of her and that's what's happening. I can't give them an availability a month ahead of time (especially if I'm subbing) and I can't guarantee a set number of days a month.

So f'em.

Again... just irritated it wasn't on my terms.
soleilfae: (huh)
Days are feeling like they are slipping by like water through my fingers. I blink and all of the sudden it's 7 at night and another day looms closer.

This depresses me. I know I'm thinking a lot about tomorrow. I'm thinking about whether I'll have a job for Sept. I'm thinking about seeing these two men I'm interested in. I'm thinking about the if's and maybe's of tomorrow and letting today fly away. This is a problem.

I know it's a problem, but at the same time I don't know what to do about it. I could get a plane ticket.. with having little money to depend on if a job doesn't pull through. I could drive to see the other, but he's crazy busy and always on the move. I could go hammer down the doors of the school district... but that could be viewed as terrifying.

I have been upping my game with the school and keeping in touch with the men as well as I can... Really it's not as much about actions as it is about mindset and I can't figure out how to get myself out of the rut of a mindset that I've fallen into. If I do or don't have a job come Sept I at least want to enjoy the free time I find myself with. Is that so hard... Always anticipating, not enjoying nearly enough.
soleilfae: Tiny frog on the tip of a finger (lil' frog)
Sitting here. Listening to the rain fall. Feeling the fan against my skin. Smelling the rain that surrounds the house. House is mostly clean after a great ritual.

Feeling pretty good at the moment.

Oh! Last but not least... I have a beautiful and sweet cat snuggling up next to me.

Yeah... good ^_^
soleilfae: (Tease)
I should now receive the miss fixit title...

applause are deserved XD

Edit: Or not -_-

Tea Wisdom

Jul. 18th, 2011 10:31 pm
soleilfae: Woman of fire (Default)
Often in tea I drink a little saying or tid bit is on the papery bit at the end of the string. I happen to like the written bit and often think about posting it or using it in some function...

So here we go:

"without realizing who you are, happiness cannot come to you"

soleilfae: Bright (Brighde)
So the most awesome thing happened to me the other day in the midst of something pretty skeevy.

Due to some increasing interests, and just the general need to get this done from time to time, I went to get tested. This is where the skeevy comes into play because there were all sorts of things (bugs mostly) creeping and crawling around that office, and though most the couples and people there seemed like just random people, there were a couple that were pretty skeevtastic.

I finally got called in around 11 after getting there at 9:15. I didn't have a whole lot to drink or eat that morning, which isn't like me, so already stressed. I get in there and realize "oh crap they have to take blood...." On a good day this is a difficult task... I was dreading this process. As I'm preparing myself mentally I say a little prayer to Brigid to help get me through this without passing out or too much pain.

First nurse stuck me twice, once in each arm, and had absolutely no luck. The spots didn't even bleed afterward. The second nurse came in and checked me over. And that's pretty much it. She tested various veins along my forearm and hand to see where might be a possible vein. Then she left and a third nurse came in. Oldest of the three. Talkative. Firm but caring touch. She gave me a good slap on the inner arm looking for a vein. And she was wearing a Brigid's cross.

The third nurse starting talking to me about my Brigid's cross and said she got hers in Ireland and had found a Celtic cross around her neck in the street... apparently hand forged? I think my mind was big time on Brigid at this point in the stories ^_^
She found a vein in the crook of my elbow, to the side instead of in the center. It wasn't pleasant, but she stuck me once and found it.

So I got home, I sang Brigid a song as I lit a candle for her, and I plan on figuring out where to put her shrine up soon. Sometimes there are no words worthy enough for the blessings we receive... I think she knows how much that meant to me. Either way I feel a shrine is necessary. Should see what I can find... oh and a bead necklace for her! Trip to Michael's soon ^_^


soleilfae: Woman of fire (Default)

July 2012

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