(no subject)

[soleilfae]

I had a dream last night.. I dreamed of him again.

I dreamed about him one other time. We sat around, talking, happy. That was it really. And it felt really good.

Last night I dreamed I was working in a school. Like one of those old new york schools you'd see on tv or something. I don't remember much and after I encountered him I remember my dream getting much worse but lacking in detail beyond that. The part with him... the area was dark. I suppose for some pitch black, but for me I could see the stairway well enough with the light coming from the other end of it. It was a crooked big stairway. I was about to start up the stairway when someone taller than me puts their arms around me. After a bit of feeling of hands and talking I realized it was him. I smiled in what i knew was his darkness, kissed his hands, and lead him up the stairs. He was talking to me and seemed happy that I was there. At the top of the stairs, in the light, we parted amicably to our classrooms. This made me so very happy.

And so very attached again...

I found myself sort of retrospectively attached to him. I left him with the knowledge that it was for the best, but suddenly I found the wall I had built crumbled a bit and I realized that I was attached. I still think a lot of it was what he offered me... but definitely some of it was him.

I just got to a happy point where I was letting him go in my mind and heart and all the sudden this freaking dream. The same thing happened with the first one.

I think it mostly means there are things I need to work on that he was the catalyst for. Trust issues I have with myself. Realizations of what I want and what I need. The message of the last dream does have me thinking... at least the one that I see in it. The idea that in the dark he found me, someone who could see the way, and while we were together I was able to guide him to the light. Maybe I wasn't the one who could see the light? Maybe I took the light for granted and I missed the point somewhere? Maybe I'm doing just fine and having a few difficulties along the way?... I'm just hoping that if this does hold some truth in the real world that this means he is happy or on the road to being happy.

I do miss him, especially his friendship, and the damn dream just woke that back up when really there's enough going on in my life. But he feels we are too many worlds apart to be friends and he would rather not so I will honor his wishes and again move on with my life. I will try to keep in mind the things that I need to work on so hopefully this doesn't happen again. Maybe I should write a list of the things I realized I wanted and needed because of him. While it's fresh.