A journal

This is actually to gush about how much I'm loving my tarot cards (still just a baby in learning tarot). But first, a little back story...

So, I'm being kidnapped to Sirius Rising. This is in no way me kicking or screaming about this, I'm rather looking forward to it, but I'm being whisked off after the wedding of a friend to Niagara Falls, then to Sirius, then down to VA for Busch Gardens. It's going to be an adventure and I very much appreciate J&J for this opportunity (though this was most certainly Julie's master plan).



I've been wanting to talk to my cards for a while and I just have gotten crazy busy or forgetful or exhausted and said I would do it later.... So this is later.

First question: (sorta paraphrased but the important words are highlighted) What do I *want* from Sirius Rising? I recognized my word fumble really before I finished shuffling, but felt like it was good to go with. And so I pulled... 10 of Pentacles. Going with my books meaning this tells me I want fullness of life and blessings of the Goddess. Well, yeah, I'm always looking for this, but I love when my cards tell me something I already know (does this make me weird?).

Second question: What will I *find* at Sirius Rising? I pulled seven of wands and the death card. Again with my book, inner struggle (but apparently what I take as in a good and exciting sort of way) and transformation. This makes perfect sense of the sort of thing I will *find* at Sirius, but then I realized my other word fumble, as I was writing this journal... This is likely what many will find at Sirius.

Third question: What will I *get* at Sirius Rising? Ace of Wands. The birth of a new idea, enthusiasm, creative energy, vitality, intuition... Alright, this sounds very much more of a five-ish day thing.

Really, I'm sure all of these will be involved in my five-ish days there, but the first two feel like things that are larger processes for me than just a few days out in the woods and the third feels like it's an actual concrete thing that will take place within those days... Then again, I've been hit with that rock before and it will likely happen many more times, just not sure if it'll happen at this event.

Point is, I love my cards ^_^

Ok, I'm going to start off with stating that I'm deep in NRE and in-love at the moment, so when I started on my way to the DC area and my check engine light was on... Well, I didn't stop.

But! I listened to my car. Nothing seemed wrong or out of place. I've been in plenty of situations where I have either heard my own car or another's car go terribly wrong that I can usually tell if I can expect to spend large quantities of money on my car. I figured that it was probably just a misfire in the plugs and likely I just needed a tune-up.

Of course despite all my best reasoning there was still this nagging voice of... maybe x and then sh!t!

So I said a prayer or so to Asphaltia and continued on my way (by train or bus if necessary I was getting down there).

On my way back (yes, the light was still on) I stopped to grab gas in a location where I actually had to pump my own gas. Living in NJ is weird... I want to say sometimes but I think that's understating things to a ridiculous degree. Regardless I know my car. I even know the quirks in the gas cap and its door. My gas cap used to have a plastic bit that attached it to my car. This plastic bit has been broken for years and sadly beyond repair. And the door over the gas cap has not closed right in something like a year or so. There's something bent in the metal bits so that when you close it you have to kinda push it closed and then it usually pops back up but just slightly. These are facts of my car. Features that make my car my car...

I get out to pump gas and, well, the gas cap was attached to my car and the door opened and closed without a problem...

I seriously took a split where I wasn't sure this was my car. I don't care if it does have all my crap in it! Next thing you know the bumpers will fix themselves and scratches will disappear! (please?)

This just outright weirded me out so I was a little wary about my car when I left the station. It did feel a little different then the majority of the time I had driven it that weekend. I was then all like, "aw damn... what next..." I look down to look at my check engine light (like I did constantly while driving) and miraculously it was gone! So all I really needed to do was make sure the gas cap was on well enough (the other thing about Jersey is I find a lot of attendants I end up with don't always do a good job of putting the cap back on). Or maybe someone for some reason replaced my cap and fixed the door just forgetting to secure the gas cap well enough? Really this whole series of events is somewhat ridiculous and in some part incredible, but frak it!

Hail Asphaltia!!

My evening has been rather stressful, so I want to try to hold onto and celebrate this moment...

I was leaving the school today, heading to my car, when I saw some kids rolling down the hill in the wooden structures that usually go around trash cans around there. I recognized one of the kids there as a sister of a boy I had in my class last year... I just knew he would be there a part of it.

Sure enough he was one of the boys crawling out of the wooden structures. I called to him, which inspired his sister to run my way, and him to run in circles directly following an eepish sound (he is what I consider the poster child for ADHD). Eventually he made his way to me along with the other boys who were participating in rolling down the hill.

I told them that it would be really bad for them if someone caught them and they got into big trouble. Their response was to say "aren't you somebody?" I replied by saying sure, but I was more interested in them stopping then getting them into trouble. This was followed by questions about where I was working and talk about wanting to be in a position to teach maybe one of them one day. They asked if I could teach fifth grade (aka. they want me to be their teacher.. hot! I don't think they realize how much of a hardass I can be ^_^).

They agreed to stop rolling down the hill and before I left I asked if they could fix the trash cans, regardless of the fact that they claimed to not be the ones to dismantle them. And they did it!

They did it!

This is a school where a lot of the teachers *were* just ignoring these kids and driving off to home. Where it's expected to find graffiti and trash all over the place. Respect for the school really doesn't happen. This is the school with the worst reputation deep in the middle of the ghetto. And these kids put these trash cans back together. I didn't even have to stand there watching over them.

That had me flying for a bit and if I think about it or talk about it I find I start flying again. Right now I need that.. I hope it stays strong enough to recall in times of need.

That moment shines.

Thousands of little cuts....


I shouldn't let them cut me but they do.

I posted about getting a long-term position. Welp. It would seem that that is not where I need to be.

Thursday evening 2/3's of my position was cancelled. There was no warning and I swear it felt like the bottom was pulled straight out from me. I figured it had something to do with the simple fact that my certification does not cover preschool and I came to find out Friday that I was right.

On the plus side the Principal also said that he liked me as a teacher and wanted to make a place for me there. That was definitely comforting, but I know that the universe doesn't always make things like that work so I will take this as a confidence boost for my teaching skills and maybe someone will agree with him. Maybe I'll end up there...

Who knows.

I am a bit down by it and have noticed a marked difference in my energy levels. I personally want to spend more time at the sea. I think there will be more late night trips. Hopefully some mid week trips right after school too. The beach and the ocean help me think. I need to do a lot of thinking right now.

Health Center Lady-"I'm sorry you make too little to qualify for this and have too much in your savings account to qualify for that."

Me- "Oh! Let me go pay a bill and fix that."





----My pride hates dealing with the fact that I have to go through this to get medical assistance... but my hate of bureaucracy out weighs my pride by quite a bit. Either way this has not been a pleasant process.

So that was my first earthquake... well that I was somewhat aware of.

Wow!

Anyhoo. I was at the gym on a weight machine. I was taking a break between reps when I realized that the machine was doing a little shimmy on its own... I immediately looked at the floor and wondered if it were an earthquake (Had an interesting way of briefly pulling my consciousness into the earth and it's many workings and movings...). Looked up. Realized I was right under the tv's... that would suck if it were bad enough to cause those to fall.

I figured I would check news when I got home, but I just rationalized it to maybe heavier than usual traffic for that moment (it was really a super light shimmy).


Still wow!

I think the hospital job (namely the supervisor from hell who hates me) has figured out how to get me to quit.

Just wish I did it like in May when I thought of it. In May when I spent so much money and hassle to renew my CDL.

I think a good part of the reason I've held on to this job so long was to spite her cuz I know she'd love me to leave. So I don't mind leaving, I'd just prefer it not be because of her and that's what's happening. I can't give them an availability a month ahead of time (especially if I'm subbing) and I can't guarantee a set number of days a month.


So f'em.

Again... just irritated it wasn't on my terms.

Sitting here. Listening to the rain fall. Feeling the fan against my skin. Smelling the rain that surrounds the house. House is mostly clean after a great ritual.

Feeling pretty good at the moment.

Oh! Last but not least... I have a beautiful and sweet cat snuggling up next to me.

Yeah... good ^_^

Often in tea I drink a little saying or tid bit is on the papery bit at the end of the string. I happen to like the written bit and often think about posting it or using it in some function...

So here we go:

"without realizing who you are, happiness cannot come to you"

Yep.